I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
