and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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