i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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