Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
