i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
