Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
my poor anus
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
