I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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