Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
