i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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