Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
worst night to have a conscience
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Randomize
