I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
