god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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