i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
