I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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