meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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