the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
