For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
