it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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