so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
