You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
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