a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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