Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.