dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
