wat bout pragnant strippers??
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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