I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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