people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
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He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
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There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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