Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
