why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize