I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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