respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
