Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
