why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
