careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
