I swear she didn't look like that last week.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
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I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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