saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
