i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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