Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
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my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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