Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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