After last night, I could never be a politician.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
