Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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