I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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