I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?