Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
