there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
