I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
