My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
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