So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
