we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
