What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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