Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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