I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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