Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
