Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
