Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Randomize
