I have demons in me.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
