Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
