just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
