and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
