we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
