it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Randomize
