Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
