Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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